Everyone goes through a point in their life where they’re trying to figure out exactly who they are. For me it’s been the past couple years and it’s been an amazing adventure. Everyday I learn more about why I am this person and how to embrace my flaws. At times even realizing that these “flaws” weren’t even flaws to begin with, but whoever I allowed to mold me made me believe otherwise. It’s all a part of growing and there are certain words and phrases I keep with me to remind myself of my growth. I wish to continue to move forward, not backward.
I came across My Intent via Instagram because that’s how I usually find myself digging into my wallet to purchase something I seem to think I need. This was different though… Something about it stuck out to me enough that I kept finding myself scrolling through their feed.
Around that same time I was struggling with a lot of inner demons. I was fighting terribly hard to break the molds of others. Without realizing I had allowed myself to grow close to people and had given them the power to mold me. I never saw it that way to be honest. I was blinded and thought they knew what was best. Always assuming that they had their best interests at heart for who they knew I can become. It never crossed my mind that they were slowly turning me into someone they wanted me to become. There was a difference and I couldn’t see it. I know now that they were terribly wrong, as was I for allowing them to have that kind power over me. But we’re all blinded by the ones who seem to care for us at one point or another. At least that’s what I tell myself when I look back… It makes me feel a lot better. Hehe.
One day I had a break down. I was on my way to work and just burst into tears. I cried for hours and ended up driving around town that day. I knew something had to change, so I went home and started writing. I wrote and cried for what seemed like forever, noting what I needed to change about my surroundings. Knowing that I needed to be able to embrace who I was. I desperately needed to be happy for me, with the way I saw things, not from the approval of others. Then my journey of true self discovery began.
I didn’t know what was going on at first. Why had my mindset suddenly begin to change? This whole time, I thought I was this person then one day BAM! The light within me was flicked on and it was so bright! So dang bright that I didn’t know what to do with myself, other than try my best to make sure it couldn’t be seen. All I knew was that I wasn’t happy. Something needed to change drastically before I lost it. I needed to be comfortable in my own skin. I suddenly had become so terribly tired of the remarks of others. Whether it be about my clothes, the way I carried myself, what I thought was funny, the amount of makeup I wore, to my laugh.. I was in a horrible place surrounded by constant negative energy. There was so much of it at times I felt I couldn’t breathe. I was in a constant worry of being criticized that I had no idea how to act and it was taking a toll on my mental health.
I started to change the way I thought about myself. I went out and bought clothes that made me happy, things that I liked. I didn’t give a second thought about who would think what about this or that. It was so empowering. I found comfort in what I chose for me. That was the mindset I knew had to be applied to every aspect of my life. I needed to be myself at all times. It was necessary (and long overdue) to break the many masks and molds that had shaped me into this uncomfortable being.
I had to relearn how to be me and enjoy it, breathe it, love it, and finally be it. I thought about getting it as a tattoo! (Crazy I know.) I started researching artists in the area, fonts and colors. Different kinds of designs, then I found myself on the My Intent website where they ask, “What’s your word?” Without a second thought I ordered a bracelet that would have “BE YOU” punched into it.
Yes, I know technically its two words but those are the words I needed to have a reminder of at all times.
I received the bracelet and wore it every day. I have this habit where whenever I want to quiet myself I play with the bracelets on my wrist or fiddle with my necklace, it helps me zone out. Each time I felt I should quiet down or conform to the ones around me I’d fiddle with my bracelets and there it was screaming up at me, “Be You”. Allowing me to not fear others opinions or change who I was.
As each day passed I would look at my bracelet, and there were the words again being burnt into my mind. Be you, be you, be you! I started to not hold back. I changed who I surrounded myself with, I began to speak my mind, share my obsessions (Even if they were phases. Because what’s wrong with having phases?), and talk about things that made me happy, sad, or anything of the sort. No matter the faces anyone made, no matter how quiet it got afterwards, or how “loud” and “annoying” I was. I was being me. Nobody was used to that, not even myself. I broke through each label I was given and embraced every single thing.
I’m far from perfect though, that’s not what I was trying to accomplish. I never asked to be perfect. I did at one point think that I had to be what others thought was perfect to keep people happy. At the time that seemed to be the only way I didn’t have to hear others remarks or criticism, which resulted in pushing my happiness so far away that I didn’t know where it was.
After years of being this way, to break that mold was a huge step out of my comfort zone. It was weird but also wonderful to embrace my true self that I kept shutting out.
As time passed I didn’t have to look down at my bracelet anymore. Yes I still played with them, (I do still) but I no longer had to read the words. They’re burnt into my mind.
I believe in things in weird ways. As you continue to visit my site (if I haven’t scared you off yet) you’ll see what I mean. This is the first thing I’ll share with you, I was so happy when my bracelet broke. Now you’re probably thinking, “What the hell?” Yes I know, let me explain.
After wearing it for almost a year it broke. Go ahead and argue with me, you can say it’s because I wore it everyday, fiddling with it, taking it off before bed, putting it on again as I woke. Yes, I am very aware of the “wear and tear” that I had it under. But you see, that’s the logical reason why it broke. BUT I believe it broke because I didn’t need it anymore. It was a sign that being myself was a task I had mastered, and therefore the bracelets reminder was no longer needed. (See what I mean now when I say I believe in weird things?) It’s truly another unique thing about me that others will roll their eyes or shake their head at but that’s okay. Nobody else has to agree with me, I believe it. And that’s that.
So jump froward to about a week ago as I order another bracelet with a unique word that I wish to master. Confidence. Although I am able to be myself, at times I do so quietly. I want to carry myself with confidence at all times, walk with my head held high. No longer hide under hoodies or quiet myself when I talk about my dreams, or hold myself back. What’s the point of being me if I start off great and trail off quietly? I wish to be confident in the way I speak, the way I write, and when I walk into a room. I wear the bracelet as I type this, and although I am putting myself (really) out there with this post and each project it’s still very scary. Which is a good thing, it means growth is happening. I can take the nervousness, but I want to conquer the feeling of knowing what I put out into the universe is great no matter what it is. Maybe that’s not a confidence thing, its a perfectionist thing.. Who knows, I already have the bracelet. It’s too late to change the word now. 🙂
And well, here’s to waiting for this bracelet to break when the time is right.