The new year is around the corner & I’ve found myself reflecting on how I’ve never felt so lost after such an eventful year. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in years, but still, the blindness of where to go from here tries to drown me from time to time & it’s mentally exhausting. After achieving most of what I had set out to accomplish for 2018 the sense of feeling lost is overwhelming. I continuously thought I was never going to accomplish anything & now that my list of goals is empty (for the most part), so is my sense of purpose.
There are a few goals that are being ‘rolled over’ into the new year & I somewhat don’t feel guilty about having to do that
again. Setting timelines for my goals only adds on to the stress & encourages my ‘just give up you’re not going to make it‘ mentality. Thankfully, I’ve taught myself not to make society’s timelines my own, no matter what others say, so rolling over certain things isn’t bad. It’s still essentially a goal. In my mind, putting in the groundwork for a sturdy dream is just as important as reaching the dream itself, right?
Anyway, the things I felt like sharing at the beginning of the year were somewhat accomplished more or less. For one, I took plenty of photos. Some would say too many, some would say more bad than good… Whether that was said subliminally or outright as constructive criticism. There had been a handful that I’m extremely proud of, & even some that were shared, reposted, & used for promotion & that was a dope feeling.
I got to write every day… More than 90% of that writing wasn’t for me personally but I did enjoy doing it most of the time. Especially when it was for an album or song that I truly liked, having the words flow effortlessly makes it more fun. My love for music & writing go hand in hand but as we all know sometimes too much of something can eventually become a bad thing. I’m currently searching for that balance of keeping some creativity for myself. The need to sort through my own thoughts & write them down is suffering badly. It’s a constant battle that I seem to lose, but I’m still fighting for my own outlet & that counts for something, right?
Traveling this year was something that I wanted to do, but didn’t expect to actually do. Talk about being spontaneous! Sheesh! I don’t think I’ve ever been so unprepared for a trip in my life. Traveling taught me a lot about myself & where I don’t want to be within the coming years.
I got to touch down in the Bay Area for Rolling Loud & didn’t have the experience I thought I was going to have. Expectations kill & my spirit was bruised a bit, but along the way I learned plenty about putting myself first & what to look for in regards to new opportunities.
I went on what I like to call a mini-tour run with Kyle Banks & my Mittee Gang fam which was pretty cool. I always pictured myself going on tour one way or another since becoming apart of Mittee Gang, & having that come true even if it was only for a few days was exciting. We stopped in Santa Barbara & Sacramento for a weekend but didn’t have time to site see or anything. Sacramento was a first for me & I hope the universe takes me back there soon.
The goal of hosting my own radio show will be pushed into the new year yet again & as it continues to be a frustration, I truly only see it getting harder & further to reach. Those results all fall back onto me though… With not having tried hard enough, not having my own voice, & of course not having enough clout to have it handed to me blindly (which I’m perfectly okay with because I want to earn it), my frustration stands strong.
I still got to work within the radio scene though via my street team/intern job that I’ve managed to hold onto all these years. My work finally began to pay off when I had begun training for on-air overnight shifts that slowly turned into board operating the morning show! Some of it was relearning, most of it was brand new, but I’m grateful to have some sort of ties to the radio still & be getting paid for it!
Rosecrans Radio has also lent a hand in keeping my radio dreams alive all year round! I had the opportunity to co-host & interview a handful of my favorite artists… Well, kinda. If one considers sitting on the mic & giggling when appropriate “interviewing,” then yeah I definitely did that. (See what I mean by not finding my voice yet? *sigh*) A handful of these artists also happen to be my friends so does it truly count? I think so. (It fucking counts.) Every interview I was able to be apart of & even witness was a great experience that created some dope memories while also lowkey making my resume that much longer, so I hope the universe continues to answer my wishes somehow.
With all of this having gone on, in between, I had attended countless shows, my first official album release party (Shoutout Mittee Gang! Y’all better cop “Effected” if you haven’t already!), had the opportunity to capture & witness some unforgettable moments, & even meet the artist who have helped me through my toughest times. So why is my mind still filled with negative thoughts of worthlessness & constant sadness? I feel as if I’ve dived into an industry without knowing how to swim, yet I’m afloat with so much support from those around me & I don’t fully understand why.
Trippy, right? One would think by looking at my social media that with all I have going on, I’m happy to get the day started every morning. How exciting is every day, looking like an adventure of not knowing what show or event I’ll end up at, what I’ll be shooting or vlogging, or whose session I’ll be sitting in on… Well, you’re right but the emotions on it all are very wrong.
I find myself in places surrounded by individuals whether it be co-workers, friends, or a crew of some sort, fighting the urge to burst into tears because the voice in my head taunts me saying, “You don’t deserve any of this. You don’t deserve to be here.” Because of these thoughts, I’ve begun to experience a weird feeling of nervousness that I don’t want to call anxiety but that’s probably what it is. I know deep down inside I’ve worked so hard to be where I am, nobody has to tell me that. I know. My mind just can’t seem to process & register that information fully. From the late nights, tears of frustration, lack of sleep, multiple jobs, pissing off the ones I love, losing friends, I can go on… I still can’t seem to silence that voice with facts of my worth because I’m not loud enough to drown it out just yet.
Thankfully, I haven’t reached the point where I don’t want to live or anything like that. Those thoughts haven’t crossed my mind in years & if I’ve made it this far might as well just keep going ’till the lights go out,’ right? As long as I have a good cry in traffic every now & then, I’m good… Still, these weird emotions aren’t letting me breathe. I feel stuck, uncreative, untalented, & unwanted; where do I go from here? How I do not be a bother? What’s out there that I can actually accomplish? Should I even continue striving with new goals?
2019 will be spent searching for those answers & as the days go by I hope the universe brings me peace as well.The new year isn’t here yet, but I’ve already begun working on some new things… I recently started a new internship that I hope will lead to a full-time job as the year begins. I’ve been able to use the few talents I believe I truly have with people that I’m learning to become comfortable working with. It’s been pretty cool so far because I care about all these individuals & their growing success, so being able to lend a hand makes me happy. Amongst all the chaos that this job brings I am the calm within the storm, which is funny cause when it comes to myself that calm is nowhere to be found.
Anyway, I’ve dived into all the new responsibilities to close out the last month of the year & I’m busier than ever. The voice inside my head still yells but it turns into a whisper more frequently, it’s never enough though & the fear of when the yelling will begin again haunts me, along with other things. Confusion & heartache hit me at random when I think of the things I’ll have to part ways with completely or take a small step away from with the upcoming year. We’ve all been told before that change is good, & for the most part, I know it is but the effect of those changes can be hurtful (I think) & it’s stressful for me to think about. *sigh*
With no life jacket & nobody to rescue me, I’m steadily on my tip-toes gasping for air as the last seconds go by into 2019. Searching for answers, any sort of purpose, & the confidence to keep going, I’ll be learning how to swim & stay afloat all by myself throughout 2019.
Wish me luck. 🖤